Complexity meets simplicity..
i'm so tired now.. tired of explaining things from my perspective.. tired of bearing so much pain.. why izzit dat the whole world seems to tink i dun lyk him in the first place? yarx.. it's true dat we got together quite quickly since we first met.. but dat doesn't mean i din tink it over before accepting him.. in fact i can sae dat i din plunge in blindly but it's after much consideration. sadly.. nobody seems to believe it cos i dun seem to be very excited about the whole relationship? well.. wat can i sae? i may seem nonchalent but hu noes wat reali goes on within mi? so.. i'm juz not going to explain to anyone else anymore as this shall be my last.
okiex.. first of all ppl muz be wondering y i'm so upset? it's a fact dat i've accepted him despite our age difference so means i shouldn't be so concerned about him being younger since there's no communication problem. i'm not so bothered about the fact dat's he younger.. but it's bcos he lied to mi.. everyone keep telling mi dat it's juz a white lie n it's bcos he love mi dat's y he did dat.. maybe it's juz my weird tinking.. but i reali cant accept the fact dat he lied to mi.. n it's even before we r together.. now it's a matter of principle.. if u noe u wun lyk this characteristic in ur partner, then this person comes along n pretended dat he/she is not lidat. 2 of u got together n then u found out dat he/she actuali had dat characteristic, wat will u do? u'll accomodate n juz pretend nuthin was wrong? ya rite.. if it's dat easy. but can u guarantee u can fully trust him/her again?
u ppl advise dat i should give him the benefit of the doubt.. when i sae no i cant, u ppl sae i dun lyk him dat's y.. i'm juz so exasperrated.. nobody understands mi n even says the fault lie wid mi.. maybe u can sae i'm petty but now i feel dat i dunno if he's the one i knew in the first place.. n it's not lyk he understands it anywae, nor does anyone else.. so juz call mi a weirdo but i'm entitled to my own tinking rite? now i also dun expect anyone to acknowledge my tinking but watever la.. dun try to conclude dat i got into a relationship any-oh-how dat's y it ended up lyk this.. i've tried my best despite appearing to be bo-chup in front of u ppl.. i may not show it but as long as he noes n feels it can le.. anywae it's between the 2 of us.
i'm feeling kind of suffocated.. he doesnt seem to trust mi.. whenever i go out he wanna noe hu i went out wid.. even when i stay in sch to study he feels uneasy.. shouldnt he gif mi the benefit of the doubt too? i noe i should put myself in his shoes but y izzit dat he cant feel secure about mi even in sch? it's not lyk i'll question him about the gers in his office..
now.. i guess i juz need sometime alone to concentrate on my exams.. i shouldnt let it affect my studies..
Saturday, October 29, 2005
i tink i need to clarify something. it's not dat i dun lyk him so i'm giving it up so readily.. it's juz dat i feel dat i'm no longer sure if he's the one i used to lyk.. it's lyk the person i tot he is might turn out to be not wat he reali is.. well.. i guess i cant reali express myself well dat's y leading to some misunderstandings..
anywae, i guess i should concentrate on my studies now n not be entangled in matters of the heart. going back to my webcast le..
Friday, October 28, 2005
i'm so glad it's my last chem prac for the sem! oh yeah~ juz 2 more lab reports n i'm done wid them. for now at least. wanted to listen to my webcast but realised i forgot to bring out my adaptor on my way out.. n my laptop is running low on batt.. hafta save it for lec later.. anywae, tml i'm going to central library to listen to my webcasts tml. anyone wanna join mi n pat? we r meeting at 8 so we can book the discussion room then can go for breakfast at mac. yum yum. i haven eaten a morsel of fastfood since dunno when le.. n so.. those hu wanna join us feel free to come anytime. we'll be stationed there. haha
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
in the discussion room rite now.. haf been here since 10.. in btwn got breaks le.. so only managed to finish listening to 2 webcasts.. sigh.. n i realised i only haf 3 weeks left to my exams.. n how is it dat everyone has more than 1 week for their exams whereas mine is crammed in one week? argh.. next time muz tink carefully b4 choosing my modules..
anywae, there's this yandao rite in front of mi! even xiang agree wid mi! lolx. is a caucasian wor~ he's very tall n he look abit lyk the guy i used to lyk a few mths ago.. or maybe i've been tinking too much abt him todae le.. i lyk guys who are well-dressed, neat hair n cleanly-shaved. n coincidentally he fits all~ lolx n he's very charming when he's serious in discussion. i guess i juz lyk serious guys. haha :P
on my way to sch todae.. i saw this 2 rows of container.. then i'm reminded of the daes in ahs n the time when i had a liking for michael.. those were the days when love was still so pure n u wun feel dat much pain.. just a hello from him can reali make my dae. but now.. i dun even keep in contact wid him le.. haix..
then i'm reminded of a more recent infactuation.. i've not seen him in a million years le.. i tink most likely he also forgot hu i m le.. even if i wanna msg him now also cannot.. cos i've lost his num wid my hp! argh!! but i guess he'll alwaes occupy a special place in my heart.. cos he's reali a veri nice guy though he looks abit beng.. but at least his character is quite good cos he's very gentlemanly n caring.. buden one thing is he's quite popular wid gers n he's quite a sweet talker.. otherwise, he'll make an ideal bf.. but.. it's all juz wishful tinking on my part all this while.. so i've tucked him safely into the back of my mind.. n so far he's the only one i've not reali given up on..
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
to all my dear frenz.. dun worry abt mi.. i'm gonna be fine.. in a way it's better this way.. perhaps i've lived in a sheltered life all this while.. at least now i noe i should be more discerning in the future.. i guess i'm juz too gullible.. but well.. everyone hafta grow up one dae n face the harsh reality.. maybe it may hurt but once u come to terms wid it.. u'll learn something from it ba.. n so i'll be strong n wallow in sorrow no more! as for now.. i'll juz concentrate on my studies.. i'm juz too far behind in my studies.. muz reali work hard now liaox.. if not i'll juz be wasting my money..
Monday, October 24, 2005
sometimes i feel i'm juz so weak.. i told myself i wun be sad.. but i juz cant control the tears.. i may look nonchalent on the surface but deep inside i'm reali hurt..
initiali i tot dat it wun hurt so much since i'm not even sure if i reali love him dat much.. but i guess i've given so much into the relationship dat i've kind of gotten used to having him by my side.. caring for him.. hearing from him..
Love- seems so simple but in actual fact is so complicated.. sometimes i wonder: if love brings so much pain.. why does everyone chase after it? sigh.. all this time, i've constantly asked myself if it's love.. but till now.. i've yet to find the answer.. perhaps it was his character dat appealed to mi more.. n i tot both of us share the same beliefs.. but now.. i'm not so sure anymore..
now i finali understood how wei felt when she learnt abt it.. the feeling of betrayal.. the feeling of loss.. juz as i had advised her.. i'm going to practise wat i preached.. i cant possibly continue pretending everything's alrite.. unless something's done so dat i can trust him again.. but i guess he doesnt even see there's anything wrong.. so i guess it's up to mi to thrash it out wid him.. and as for when i'll do dat.. i'm still tinking about it..
todae i was waiting for bus at the bus stop when i saw this cute pair of father n daughter. the father is veri caring wor.. help her cut her toenails.. reali admired dat guy cos he's so sweet to the little ger.. such a wen xin de yi mian.. :P
i wonder if u reali love mi.. if u do.. y is it dat i cant sense it?
Friday, October 21, 2005
okiex.. i've finished one essay which is due todae.. 1 more to go.. still not sure if i wanna change topics not.. cos the later topics haf a 2 weeks extension.. well.. guess i'll juz try my best.. if can't finish then i change topic lorx..
anywae got notified by my student yest dat she doesn't need my services anymore till after exams. well.. not exactly a bad idea.. lyk this i'll haf more time for myself. but it'll also mean i need to watch my spending le.. so now my monthly income is only from 1 student.. cos i've juz dropped 1, got suspended by another n the last one dunno disappear to where liaox.. sighx.. i seriously need more job lobangs..
btw is there something wrong wid my blog or flooble? how cum sometimes my chatterbox cant be accessed? so weird.. n i'm juz too big a computer idiot to figure it out..
alrite. so i wasn't being too assuming.. well.. now dat i've found out the truth there's no way he can deny.. wat can i sae? wat will u peeps do if u found out u've been deceived all along? those may be white lies but it's still wrong to lie.. esp to the one u love.. n how m i supposed to noe if he'll bluff mi again? i mean if he can lie to u even b4 getting together, hu can guarantee he wun do it while u r together n in the future? nanz said he could haf done dat bcos he reali loves mi but dat's still not a valid excuse.. n it's not lyk he took the initiative to tell mi.. iz after i keep probing then he told mi.. meaning maybe there r other things dat i do not noe n he still has no intention to tell mi yet. i dunno wat to tink of now.. my mind is in a whirl.. it seems lyk it's been a wrong decision all this while.. as if i've been slowly lured into a trap all this while.. to tink none of his frens were even honest to tell mi the truth.. n worse of all, he himself never bothered to clear the matter wid mi until i found out myself.. can ayone tell mi now wat i'm supposed to do now?
can onli tink of a song dat will aptly describe my feelings will be zhang dong liang's HURT.. can't believe i've been living in deceit all this while...
Thursday, October 20, 2005
dun reali feel lyk blogging cos there's juz too much to sae n i cant possibly pen them down in words.. even if i do.. it doesn't truly reflect wat i'm feeling..
feeling kind of upset n confused.. told nancy n wei abt it.. sighx. tink i'm more in favour of wei's opinion.. nancy is juz too xiao nu ren.. no wonder she's being bullied by dat mcp of hers.. maybe i was juz too assuming or maybe i was juz too gullible.. cant reali remember wat happened then but i'm quite certain things din turn out the way i tot it will.. rite now, i guess i'll juz take things 1 step at a time.. perhaps time will tell the truth..
went out wid him juz now.. suddenly after dinner he went quiet.. asked him but he said nuthin.. smsed him when i'm home n asked again.. then he told mi it's bcos he read my inbox n saw lw's msg to mi.. cos the boliao guy said he miss mi TOO when i din even sae i miss him.. n called me baby.. so he's jealous or wat.. well.. wat can i sae? lw n i r purely frenz n there's nuthin i can do if he insist to call mi darling.. afterall, he's been so used to calling mi dat n now he's already got another gf.. anywae, he invaded my privacy! usuali ppl ask 1st lor.. n he said i read his msg too.. ya? does he haf a tracking system in his hp? so i told him next time i wun use or touch his hp le.. i then dun wanna noe hu he msges.. watever..
Friday, October 14, 2005
i juz wish this mth will pass quickly.. buden maybe by then i wun haf job le.. but at least i'll haf more time for myself.. basically now i'm so tied down wid tuition dat i haven got time for myself.. i'm becoming so lifeless.. then my sch work also lyk shit.. the genes test was quite a disaster.. got 56 out of 100.. n the highest mark is 96?! madness.. n most of the students get above 70.. so now i belong to the lower band.. sighx.. reali sad.. so i've to work real hard for my essay which is only 10% n the final paper is 60%. gambate!
dun blog liaox.. shall go research for essays due next week. if not i'm in real big trouble cos i'll be having tuition full blast from wed to sun. thanks to the crazy mother who seems bent to kill her daughter wid tuition.. sighx.. kids nowadays r so stressed.. well.. everyone take care n mug hard.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
i tink i'm gonna die from work overload soon.. having tuition from mon to sun.. but not lyk i've much money in my pocket.. guess it's my own stupidity.. went to sign up for a savings plan from my fren when i've enough financial problem on hand. dat irritating guy le.. din even bother to let mi tink abt it.. well.. actuali i wun mind the plan.. but it's juz his service is real lousy le.. n so now i've to put aside at least 200 a mth, 80 to sustain the plan n 120 lidat for the sch fees.. so deducting these 2.. i'll haf abt 200 for my own allowance, transport n food.. oh.. not forgetting my contribution to my family's keep.. i'm left wid around 150.. duhx.. i can juz picture how miserable life is.. sigh.. working my heart out juz getting peanuts..
kind of upset now.. i've failed my chem quiz.. though it's only 2.5% but it's still kind of disheartening to noe i'm in the lower band.. i reali feel dat my modules this yr r goners.. argh.. can only blame my own laziness..
anywae i juz found out dat i've 2 essays due next week?! argh.. i'm so screwed.. at least the genes one onli need 2 pgs.. whereas the south asian require 2500 words?!! oh man.. juz the tot of it gives mi the chills.. better get back to my research for my presentation next week. take care peeps. exams r coming up pretty soon. jia you
Monday, October 10, 2005
sometimes i dun understand why it is so difficult to maintain a relationship.. perhaps it's reali better to be single rather than to get attached.. but well.. i guess there's a flip side to everything.
was toking to nancy yest. asked her how's she wid her bf.. then realised she's in a similar situation as mi.. they've juz celebrated their 1 mth a few daes ago n things aren't going rite.. from my point of view, i'd sae the guy is reali a mcp n poor nancy hafta put up wid him.. i understand her stand but personally i feel they shld juz tok it out.. if u love someone, u wun mind putting up wid him even when he's unreasonable.. but still love is a give n take relationship for both.. there's no reason y she is the one alwaes giving in.. but well.. as she sae.. she tinks it's still worth it to bear wid it since she feels dat they still love each other. when she reali cant stand it then she'll thrash it out wid him.. but well.. i'd reali not encourage dat..
went to watch a movie wid jq on fri nite.. turn out to be a big mistake.. din noe he'll feel so uneasy over it.. but in my point of view, i'm juz going out wid a fren.. so sat we sort of thrashed it out.. said he felt insecure dat i went out wid another guy alone.. but i reali see nothing wrong wid it.. i mean it's juz lyk going out wid a fren.. juz dat it is a guy.. i mean it's not even lyk a date, i pay for myself n last time i alwaes go out wid guy frenz one mahx.. so i felt kind of upset n sort of told him sometimes i feel singlehood is better. guess he was quite hurt.. but in the end he's still the one who gave in n coax mi. makes mi feel kind of guilty too.. n i finali realised how much i meant to him too. reali glad dat we toked it out n noe wat each other is tinking.
Life is like a racetrack.. there's bound to be twists and turns.. u just have to keep going round and round..
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
i'm so dead.. tml is the deadline of my lab report n i've still no idea wat it is all about.. on top of dat, i've information systems test tml.. tot since is openbook it shldn't be dat bad.. so haven study yet.. but the prob is i dun even haf the text?! haha. i'm so screwed.. onli wish fri comes quickly then i can slack at home. a dae off hardly comes so muz make full use. lalala~
now having south asian lec.. basically can't catch no nut as to wat he's toking.. he seems to be mumbling to himself.. sigh.. shall go home watch the webcast..
Monday, October 03, 2005
exactly a week since i last blogged.. finali most of my tests are over and i've submitted 1 of my assignments. kind of upset.. cos i tink i'm gonna do real bad this sem.. failed 1 of the tests.. tink the remaining 2 are goners too.. cos sort of discussed the answers wid the teaching assistant n realised most of the answers differ from mine.. sigh.. then the mcg quiz was a killer.. most of them tikan. hope lady luck is wid mi dat dae..
went to rouge wid jerlyn, her bf n mine.. was checked for id at the door.. i dun look 18 mahx? in a way is good le.. means i dun look too old. lolx. then he sort of doubted dat the ic is mine.. crazy fellow.. dun reali lyk the environment there.. not dat comfy as the other clubs i've been to so far.. n throughout the whole thing was dance performances which i've not been able to haf a good view of.. mainly bcos i was quite far from the stage on top of the fact dat i'm not dat tall afterall. so juz sat by the bar n drink..
was approached by this ger who identified herself as a writer wid cleo mag. asked if she can take a foto of mi n my bag cos they r doing a cover of wat bags gers carry to club.. declined her politely cos i can't imagine myself in a mag..
mi gtg now le.. later having tuition.. so sianx.. i'm so tied up wid sch n work.. becoming more and more no life.. sigh..
